I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
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[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
The Book. The Movie.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?