Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Stonehinge
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.