Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
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The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
#growingpains
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
My circle of trust is a meatball
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days