Always a housemaid, never a house.
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Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.