Always a housemaid, never a house.
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son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”