Always a metermaid never a meter
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My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up