Always a metermaid never a meter
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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I love the honesty
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Not😆🤣
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”