Always a metermaid never a meter
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You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I’m not lazy
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I have a type: disappointing
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar