Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
You Might Also Like
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Worst perfume name ever.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?