@The_Sculptress: Always be yourself, unless you can be a giraffe. Then, be a giraffe.
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@dafloydsta: [on a date] *wonders if she'll steal my fries while I use the restroom* *shakes Magic 8 ball* "YES" *takes plate of fries with me*
@philco816: There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.
@jessokfine: I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.