Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
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So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
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Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
sugar glider wrangler
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words