Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
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I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes