Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
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ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.