@daemonic3: "Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight." -- The Swiss Army
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@internetluke: [restaurant] *motions for waiter* Waiter! Bill please! *Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests* Thanks Bill!
@djdarrellripley: Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems... Well, you've always got my number. Me: Yes, is it still 666?
@Douchekevin: I'm the perfect man if you don't factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
@BaileysIrishTom: Meeting my friend's new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?