@daemonic3: "Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight." -- The Swiss Army
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@theroneman: [mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring] Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need... [cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling] Legos
@TheMichaelRock: Mom: You should come camping with us! It's only $100! Me: You want me to pay $100 to sleep outside? Mom: Yeah. Me: I'm getting a new Mom.
@ParentNormal: VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can't try again until next year
@DanLaMorte: Kids here's a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning