Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
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8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me