Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
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Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Sorry. Not sorry
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
This is Sparta
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.