Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
This fish is cracking me up
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department