@FilthyRichmond: Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they're not passing you some fake shit.
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@SCbchbum: “Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
@bidenandobama: Biden: Think about it like an investment opportunity. Obama: I'm not buying you an above ground pool, Joe.
@LnL245: [Checking in at Comic Con] Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay? Me: Seven months A: *Hands me a badge marked "Casual"*
@DocBrown21: My next tattoo will be "helvetica" written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her