Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
True.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
giddy up Office Depot
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.