Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean