[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
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If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Jesus Christ lmao
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.