“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
quarantine day 3
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.