“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
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Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.