I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION