@Parker_Simpson: always good to put one of those Apple stickers that comes with ur iPhone on your car so thieves know which car to break in to.
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@Ristolable: HI MOM. YOU'RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
@Rollinintheseat: I use a wheelchair. Whenever I'm at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, "Stairs".
@hardlyrelevant: *holds up bread* this is my body *holds up wine* this is my blood *holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
@dulcetry: I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.