UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
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The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Time heals everything 🙂
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
This is a bad sign
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.