if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
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If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
it was love at first sight
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives