@robdelaney: Always have a fake name at the ready so you don't tell the cops something stupid, like "Andrew Granola."
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@audipenny: Him: you look tired today Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
@Discourt: I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn't have to hear her say she's done.
@xLiserx: Me: Can't. I'm exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning. Him: It's pronounced 'croissant' & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
@ericsshadow: [eulogy] "Before we get started I'd like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased's 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones"