Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
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The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Some people were born into their job.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet