@mattZillaaaa: Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don't know how crazy you are. Also, you're now out of xanax.
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@ArfMeasures: BOSS: Why aren't these documents attached together? ME: Sorry I couldn't find my...[suddenly forgets the word stapler]...desk crocodile
@djdarrellripley: Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away... Me: Doesn't everyone?
@BuckyIsotope: *moon landing* That's one small step for man, one giant leap for updog "What's updog?" NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT'S UP WITH YOU
@iwearaonesie: *comes home from work *wife jumps in my arms *sees I'm crying wife: Why are you crying? me: You just crushed all the Oreo's in my fanny pack