@mattZillaaaa: Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don't know how crazy you are. Also, you're now out of xanax.
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@ewfeez: [wife walks in on me rubbing coconut oil all over my body] What are you doing? "Uhh, SOMEONE said I don't glisten very well?"
@KentWGraham: I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
@valerie_tosi: The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said "It's cute that you think I'm here for that."
@StellaRtwot: I appreciate when aerobic instructors say "Don't forget to breathe" because I sometimes forget and then I die.