[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
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I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Cause of death: Zumba
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Aight bet
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Name this drama.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.