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@briancthayer: [Halloween] Lady: what are you this this year? Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I'm at 10% and it's only 7pm. Lady: *faints*
@shadygrenade: *stands over dads casket* "Mom isn't doing well, dad." *puts hand on dad's shoulder* "You need to stop building caskets. It's creepy."
@murrman5: [looking at wife's tombstone] today would've been our anniversary *falls to knees* why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me