It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
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I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Current mood: Potato
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Bike is short for Bichael.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes