@ScottLinnen: Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
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@thenoahkinsey: *on a 1st date* Her:..and I have 3 cats Me: Swipe left H: Did you say "swipe left"?! M: H: M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
@Notoliviasteel: DOCTOR: u broke ur leg in five places, how did this happen ME:*flashback of me trying to carry too much ice cream up the stairs* bears.
@jesse_street: *gets laser eye surgery* "Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?" I told you, that's not what— *i squint at him real hard but he's right*