Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
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I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Huge, if true.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator