Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
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channeling her this year
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”