“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
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ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game