Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
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The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I’m having an out of money experience.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.