Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
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if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.