@pleatedjeans: Always live on the bottom floor it's further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
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@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you? Me: Yeah. Cw: You would? Why? Me: Because I know what the words "had to" means.
@WSiefford: I'm so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
@omgthatspunny: My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she's sad. She's an expert in sighcology.
@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"