@pleatedjeans: Always live on the bottom floor it's further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
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@hurlarious: I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I'm on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I'm famous
@alisha_foley: Telling someone they can't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can't be happy because others have it better.
@TheToddWilliams: TRUMP: Let's get that Muslim Band going "Band? We thought you said ban" TRUMP: No way, that's harsh. Also, how's that Mexican mall coming?
@Henry_3k: When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is "I think of you all the time dear" & not "Sex with who?".