Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death