@Only_Fast_Eddie: Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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@SamuelHLowe: -Why didn't you answer your home phone? -Because I'm walking the dog. Don't you trust me? -Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.
@kumailn: Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver's eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.
@SortaBad: 9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet 1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
@mellimelle: Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can't say no because they're my husband & children.