Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner