@1followernodad: Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

@AlexRogaski: The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

@Reverend_Scott: "I'm soooo tired!" [lays down in bed] "I'm soooo comfortable!" Bladder: Sup bro

@GaryJanetti: I hope one day to have the chance to whisper "what's she doing here?" to the person next to me at a funeral.

@flashember: [after robots take over] *drones crash into my kitchen* ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me? *fridge starts laughing* BUT U WERE MY FABRIT