@TheSnideOne: Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
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@Pundamentalism: Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
@cwhudson: BARTENDER: okay man, here's your appletini MAN: [upset] this isn't what i ordered BARTENDER: i'm sorry? MAN: why isn't it a tiny apple
@iwearaonesie: me *walks into house* wife: Where are the kids? me *turns around and goes back out*
@BrosConfessions: "As a student the most comforting words you'll ever hear are " I haven't started either"