@chrissyteigen: you get to give way cheaper gifts when you have kids. literally just take a pile of garbage and write “love, [kid’s name]” and no one says anything

@AnnietheNanny1: How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

@thedadonline: Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

@Douchekevin: I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3. When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.

@Tommytoughstuff: [dinner party] *host clinks glass* "Everyone we're having a baby"! *whispers to other guest* "Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian."