Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
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FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy