Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
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Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Breaking news:
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
jesus christ confetti not now
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*