Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
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Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.