Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
You Might Also Like
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.