you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
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Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
me and who
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.