Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
You Might Also Like
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Sending in my taxes
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
#ProTip