@PanicRestroom: Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
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@aveuaskew: You said you couldn't live without me, so it's very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
@djdarrellripley: Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It's kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung...
@truegritrumble: ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing? PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don't know.
@BlindChow: [crime scene] ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself? DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side *rookie cop vomits*