@shopkins776: Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
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@SteveKoehler22: Oddly enough, ever since downloading AdBlock onto my computer ..... all the local girls in my area seem to have lost interest.
@JuliaChildCIA: "Hot damn!" - the Nazi's probably after their dams were destroyed. I don't know; I'm not a historian. It's just an educated guess.
@AristotlesNZ: 5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They're so cool! Me: Whats so cool about turtles? 5yo: They can breath thru their butts! Me: Grab your coat..
@mattsurely: Me: What do you call sex in December? Wife: Don't say it. Me: ... W: ... Me: Wintercourse. W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.