Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
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Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
no
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra