Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
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Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
lol
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.