Always the barmaid, never the bar.
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strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!