27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
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Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
This came to me in a dream.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
some things should go without saying
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.