If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
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Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
fixed it
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword