@bazlyons: 'Always the bridesmaid, never the bride' is good advice for any best man.
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@MatCro: [restaurant] ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It's my birthday WAITER: Your birthday? It's on the house ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
@Freudianscript: My therapist told me that if ignorance is bliss, there's no reason for me to be on antidepressants.
@ItsAndyRyan: Russian computer: "Enter password" Me: "Beef stew" Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"
@justabloodygame: A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury. "You've made a grave mistake!" He fumes.