‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
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little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”