@bazlyons: 'Always the bridesmaid, never the bride' is good advice for any best man.
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@InternetHippo: Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
@SortaBad: I'm sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
@LizHackett: I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn't look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.