‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
You Might Also Like
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.