‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
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My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
this could fix me
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr