Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
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i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Boating season is upon us.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
the battle rages on
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.